Category: When I Forget To Filter Myself


My best friend saw the Salvation Army person smoking in front of Walmart (of course) while ringing their bell for donations. I wrote this jingle  for her ❤

He smokes when you are sleeping. He smokes while you’re awake. He knows who likes menthols or lights, so inhale for goodness sake! You better not shout, you better not cry, because your lungs are just too blackened and dry. Emphysema’s coming to town!

Don't forget menthols for the kids!

Don’t forget menthols for the kids!

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I meant to type fried not friend.

Me: I want friend pickles!

Her: You want to turn your friends into pickles? YOU MONSTER!

Me: Yes. GET IN THE BRINE!

 

Returning to a video game online where a friend was waiting.

Me: I ave returned!

Her: Yay! We are being killed by zombies!

Me: I missed the H I didn’t mean to sound French.

Conversations with me never seem to go the way people intend.

Him: Glad you care *pecks your cheek*
Me: OK as long as that isn’t a la Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. There is a lot of pecking in that movie, it kills you. Caw caw! Cheek meat! CAW!
End of conversation.
Her: My body is all out of fucking whack.
Me: Then go get more Fucking Whack, duh.
Her: You dick.

A friend of mine posted a computer drawn picture of herself standing in a doctor’s office. Her leg in the cartoon was unintentionally yet hilariously deformed looking, and because I am a jerk I could not restrain myself.

Might I suggest an orthopedic surgeon instead.

Me: It is probably going to be too late for a doctor to save that leg.

Friend:  LMFAO I am not the best bitstripper.

Someone else: What the fuck is a bitstripper?

Friend:  A person that makes bit strips, it’s the app I used to make these things.

Me:  I am going to assume a bitstripper is a person who dances in the nude wearing a bridle while pretending to be a horse.

Seems like the logical definition to me.

Doing what I do best. Bothering people in the middle of the night.
Her: Ha ha… Are you my mummy? Cue gas mask orphans.
Me: When David Tennant said that randomly in season 4 I died laughing. 2:16 am
Her: Did you watch the episode where David Tennant puts the mask on an asks it? 2:16 am
Her: Oh whoa, lady. You are soooome kinda freaky.
Me: You know it. ;o)
Her: What about that the one with Alonso? 2:18 am
ME: Allons-y Alonso! 2:18 am
Her: STOP THAT!
Her: Seriously, it is 2 am you psychic bitch.
Me: Snicker.  It is what I do after all.
Her: I’m in bed. Straight back against the wall with my blanket over my head. It’s the only way I can seem to breathe. Lumos Maxima! Turns on phone flashlight
Me: I have one of those! I blind myself with it regularly. Usually like where the fuck are my glassAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Her: Ha ha, yep. I am constantly like, where are my…. CORNEAS!
At least some people get me. Ha ha.
Me: Edward Cullen is one ugly dude.
Him: Doesn’t seem to be the general consensus, unfortunately.
Me: Yeah if you are 12.  Though if you want to captivate the young-ins wear a rugby shirt and ask them if they see any clues.
Him: Well they have been my target audience…
Me: Then I feel sorry that you got stuck with me that day.
Him: Will you dress as a 12 year old for me?
Me: I wouldn’t fit in a twelve year old get up. If I did maybe I would consider it.
Him: Fit into what; the peeled off flesh suit of a 12 year old girl?
Me: Yes, I went to Buffalo Bill’s Emporium and they don’t come in my size.
Bam, end of conversation. This is why I don’t talk to people. This is why I can’t have nice things.