Category: Uncategorized


Happy Birthday Mom

Today would have been mom’s 60th birthday. Anyone who knows me is already well aware, she died in May on Mother’s Day only a few months ago. I will be honest and say I have been worried about today for the last two weeks. As soon as I realized her birthday was approaching I became anxious about it. My days since she has been gone range from relatively ok to really far from it. I knew today was going to hurt so what I did was make plans for the day to try and keep me out of my head.

First I planned on seeing my therapist then after I was going to write this entry. Later I plan on calling my sister, and lastly going to dinner some place mom would have liked.

To remember my mom I thought I would tell some stories about her that were always good for a laugh. My reasoning being it is harder to cry when you are laughing. So before I cry again let me tell you about mom summoning the fourth stooge, mom’s adventures with men, and mom trying to show lucy where the moon is.

The fourth stooge

One night while my sister was visiting we were getting on our certain brand of strange by shouting “Kong Kong” and beating our chests like the tribal scene in King Kong when the tribe is summoning him to his sacrifice. For whatever reason mom thought Kong was one of the Three Stooges and said “Oh The Three Stooges!”. Right after mom said that Lucy shouted “YES KONG! Summon the fourth stooge!” King Kong has been the fourth stooge ever since.

kong

Summoning the fourth stooge 

Mom and her men

For the last couple years mom spent at home we got into the habit of watching TV shows and movies together at night. One night I introduced one of the shows I had on DVD to her, True Blood. When i explained what the show was about she said it sounded stupid and mentioned she didn’t like science fiction of any kind. I talked her into just one episode and told her if she didn’t like it I would find something else. All throughout the first episode mom kept saying “Oh my” and making yummy sounds. By the time the episode was over and she had caught a glimpse of some of the male actors mom had already decided it was her favorite show EVER. We watched all the way through half of season 5 before she lost her ability to watch TV. Every day for over a year she would ask if there was more True Blood she could watch. If there wasn’t she was happy to rewatch episodes. I am not even sure she knew what the story was some of the time. I think 80% of her watching that show was to drool over Alcide. I have not finished the show yet, it is a little weird to watch an episode without her.

In the same vein as mom’s love for True Blood, one night she rented Magic Mike. I have never heard mom shout at the TV so much in my life. She had her hands up in the air like she was on a scantily clad rollercoaster. As soon as it was over she shouted “I want this on DVD for Christmas!” hahaha oooooh boy.

Where is the moon

Mom was extremely gullible. When my brother told her that dachshunds were used in place of parrots on the shoulders of German pirates, she believed him. One night mom was outside pointing out the moon to Lucy. When she claimed she couldn’t see it mom pulled her over 2 inches and asked if she could see it from there. Lucy pulled the same prank when mom pulled up outside of a power plant and asked Lucy if she could see it. When Lucy again said no, mom pulled her a couple of inches toward her seat and asked again. We often had some fun with the crazy things mom would believe.

If you were here today mom I would watch all the True Blood you wanted. I wish you could have been here, we all do. Happy birthday, we love you.

mom 6

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Blue

The intake nurses just called for my pre surgical interview and asked the usual questions.
Nurse: ” How much do you weigh?”
Me: “—“
Nurse: ” Eye color?”
Me: “Blue”
Nurse: “Hair color?”
Me: “Blue.”
Nurse: “No, HAIR color hun, not eye.
Me: “Blue”
Nurse: “Your hair is blue…”
Me: “Yes”
Nurse: “So if I come up there tomorrow morning while you are in recovery you will have blue hair?”
Me: “Yes”
Nurse: “Now THIS I gotta see!”

Apparently I am the main attraction tomorrow. 

This Is America!

This random story came to mind because a friend just found out she is asthmatic. I am also asthmatic, though I have an asthma attack maybe once every few months, they are triggered by getting sick or being out in really cold weather. Because the attacks were so rare my mom had the nebulizer at her house, we shared one and at this time I couldn’t get to it. 

Anyway this it what happened. I was sick, everyone was sick where I was living at the time. We all got the flu, I know this because I tested positive for influenza strain B at the hospital and pneumonia. I couldn’t breathe when I was laying down so I spent two days sitting up in my bed. My best friend and at that time roommate came in and mentioned that I looked blue. When I turned on the lights i realized she was right, my nails were also blue. At this point I realized I was in trouble and should get to a hospital. 

Me being the genius that I am thought driving myself there in the snow would be a great idea. I had to park across the street in a big parking lot in the freezing wind. Normally that would just be annoying but having asthma and being sick added with asthma attacks brought on by cold and  exercise was a bad combo. 

I got to the waiting room and managed to wheeze out “I can’t breathe” and wheeze for maybe another 30 seconds before I stopped breathing all together. I keeled over and the staff came out to intubate me. I thought I would die. In the middle of this clusterfuck a woman comes to the desk and says “I have been waiting for four hours. My foot hurts. I was here first. First come fist serve this is America!” The look on the doctors face was priceless. If I could breathe and wasn’t panicking about suffocating I would have said something about it, Sometimes I just can’t process the amount of stupid there is out there. Why yes ma’am you are right! Let me go sit in the waiting room and see how long I can go without breathing!

Sorry For The Delay

I have been gone for a while because my mom who has been sick for a long time finally reached the point of no return and died this Mother’s Day. Sorry for the downer and seriousness that isn’t going to be a normal thing for this blog. I started another just for that rollercoaster ride from hell.  I just wanted the people who read this to know where I have been. There are still many funny things I need to tell, so many I should have a list. Things have just been a mess right now. All will return to normal soon. I am going to try and get back into the habit of writing about things that are weird, stupid, and funny. I will be back soon I promise.

On a higher note I dyed all of my hair neon blue. I had the back of my hair cut off though so the parts on the back are basically chopped off to about half an inch. A friend had to do this for me because I would have just painted my face instead.

Blue!

Using the first comment from a friend. I wont use her name because her status was not public.

this was the Facebook photo that started this whole thing. This is what this is all about.

This was the Facebook photo that started this whole thing. This is what this is all about.




She had this to say: “NOBODY LIKES TO SNUGGLE WITH A STICK”?
Actually, lots of people want to cuddle with “a stick”.
Now, if someone were to ask: “Who wants to snuggle with someone you can’t fit your arms around?” should we NOT take that offensively?
Curves or no, someone loves the way you look, even in spite of how you THINK you look (and it’s even better if YOU love the way you look).
You wouldn’t tell a larger woman to lay off the cheeseburgers, would you? What makes you think a thin one wants you to tell them to EAT one? You’ve got curves you’re proud of? Awesome. You’ve got little to none and you like it? Awesome too.
Body shaming people for being curve-less is just as bad for body-shaming for being “fat”
Knock it off. ~My friend

I say fat shaming a person does not motivate us to get thin in any way at all. The only thing it does is make us feel like total shit. I am not thin so obviously have never been on the other end or have been thin shamed like being called a skeleton or told I was anorexic but I imagine it doesn’t make them feel good either, Stop the shaming.

I would like to say I have been told to lay off of all kinds of food and also told to put down the fork or been barked at or had whale noises made at me etc. I have been fat shamed more time that I could even begin to count even by people I know very well, been friends with at some point, and even at time relatives. Some people tell me they do it to make me want to get thin. That isn’t how it works.

I also agreed and replied to my friend’s initial post: Actually a lot of people tell us bigger ladies to lay off the cheeseburgers or tell us to put down the fork. Regardless, I agree. I like women of all shapes and sizes. There it no “right” size. I am not getting into the fat equals unhealthy debate with anyone because there are plenty of healthy curvy women and plenty of unhealthy thin and athletic women. If you are a woman that is kind, shares interests with me and can make me laugh, I do not care how many or how few curves you have, I like you. Being who you really are is what makes you beautiful. Confidence makes you beautiful. Intelligence makes you beautiful. Humor makes you beautiful. We need to stop telling each other how ugly we all are, we are actually hurting our own minds against ourselves and others and making us legitimately hate ourselves.

I am big and I know it. Some days I hate myself and some days when my hair has just been done or my skin looks good or I have one of my my favorite outfits I downright feel good about myself. Don’t stop me and try and ruin my day because you think you are trying to “help me” I know you and your friends are just trying to get a laugh, it isn’t funny and I am too fucking fabulous for that shit. I even have a date, proof I can be me and people will still like me so go choke on that, /flex

My best friend saw the Salvation Army person smoking in front of Walmart (of course) while ringing their bell for donations. I wrote this jingle  for her ❤

He smokes when you are sleeping. He smokes while you’re awake. He knows who likes menthols or lights, so inhale for goodness sake! You better not shout, you better not cry, because your lungs are just too blackened and dry. Emphysema’s coming to town!

Don't forget menthols for the kids!

Don’t forget menthols for the kids!

Dr. Claw

My sister is visiting for a few days because of a job she has at an annual craft fair.  Her usual job makes her work third shift so she is awake all night. We were bored and playing random games on our e readers all night which eventually led us to a game called Mousetown. It is fairly addictive as most of those games can be, so we sat there for quite a while playing it. At random my sister Lucy would randomly talk to her game using a very deep Dr. Claw like voice. She would say things like “I am the mayor of Mousetown.” “Mouse whores find more cheese” etc. I referred to her ad Dr. claw for the remainder of the time we played the game. At one point she said something I found to be quite amusing and because it was 4am and people were sleeping across the hall I tried very hard not to laugh. Trying to hold in a laugh and failing makes a wheezey kind of laugh that I just could not stop. Lucy was entertained by my failure to be quiet and said “nice laugh Wheezy McWheezerton” then all of the sudden she burst out “OH MY GOD! I AM DR. CLAW AND YOU ARE MY CAT”

The brain rots when you play Mousetown all night kids. Remember that.

I meant to type fried not friend.

Me: I want friend pickles!

Her: You want to turn your friends into pickles? YOU MONSTER!

Me: Yes. GET IN THE BRINE!

 

Returning to a video game online where a friend was waiting.

Me: I ave returned!

Her: Yay! We are being killed by zombies!

Me: I missed the H I didn’t mean to sound French.

My mom bought herself one of those phones that talks and reads out the caller ID to you. It is the worst phone I have ever seen, a long distance call with tin cans and string would be easier to decipher. Even if the word or place is something you would expect to see on a caller ID the phone still cant figure it out. The most common word that pops up is “unavailable” that shouldn’t be too hard right? The phone takes it upon itself to say “oon av lav a blehlel”  it only gets worse from there. To make it extra fun the volume on the talking ID is all the way up and there are five of these phones placed around the house. There is even one of these evil devices hiding behind a giant basil plant, to answer you would have to scale a table and a mountain of foliage.

Today the pharmacy has been calling to tell my mom her prescription is ready so all day the phone has been shouting “VIL WHEAT EAST DIZLE!” That apparently is how “Wallgreens refill” is pronounced if you are a phone. Every time they call I think Wil Wheaton is calling for just a second, then the phone adds on that last “east dizle”. I keep trying to persuade her to shut this function off but it falls on deaf ears (probably deaf because of all the gibberish the phone screams day and night). I cannot imagine someone producing this phone, trying it out and after hearing it say “yeah that sounds good, call marketing!” I want to meet whoever made this thing and make him have to listen to his phone read him a copy of War and Peace, he should go mad well before the end. Never let someone you care about buy a talking caller ID.

I know people get irritated when people correct their spelling. I have heard the title Grammar Nazi thrown around at people who try to correct a mistake. Why all the hate? Has anyone taken a good look at the internet lately? I don’t care if you think it is rude, there is a point when someone needs to tell you that you are 8 letters off in spelling a word. I spell things incorrectly regularly as do most human beings. The problem is that when no one says anything, the misspellings get weirder and get to the point that it is hard to even decipher what it is you tried to say. Save my sanity and pick up a book once in a while. Some recent gems I have seen:

Acknowledge/Ecnolege

Endure/Indoor    Used in a sentence saying “No one should have to indoor the pain of divorce. I indoored it and it was hell.”

Seizure/Sesure

Incompetence/Incompedense

Knowledge/ Nolege

Illiterate/Illereate

Genius/Geneous

Impression/Impresheon

Tactics/ Takktiks

Direction/  Direckshion (I just saw this today and had to add it. Wow.)

I am not immune either, my best friend and I type too quickly and occasionally spell some words so strangely you wouldn’t be able to decipher them with a savant code breaker. Some of these words have become staples in our conversations like “plau” and “abrf”. The difference is we have a good chuckle when it happens. I have a card or “crud” sitting here on my desk containing the phrase “tsronger hotdogas?” Sometimes someone just needs to point at you and tell you that you sound like an idiot. Make a mental note, smile, and move on.

"Crud"