Conversations with me never seem to go the way people intend.

Him: Glad you care *pecks your cheek*
Me: OK as long as that isn’t a la Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. There is a lot of pecking in that movie, it kills you. Caw caw! Cheek meat! CAW!
End of conversation.
Her: My body is all out of fucking whack.
Me: Then go get more Fucking Whack, duh.
Her: You dick.
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