Here are three tales of projectile foods that will forever be burned into my memory.

First up is a story about three friends of mine who I had been talking to on Skype. They all live together and share an office. Two of the three people decided to run upstairs and grab a snack. The third person stuck around eating crackers at his desk and crunching them in my ear. While they were gone the remaining individual said that he was bored and wanted an idea for something entertaining to do. As a joke I suggested he stuffed as many crackers as he could fit into his mouth and wait for the others to return. I told him to wait until they sat down then to run up behind them and scream HIPPOPOTAMUS with the crackers in his mouth. Not two minutes later they returned and sat down. All of the sudden I hear HIPPOPOTAMUS through one of their mics followed by screams of crackery horror. Needless to say I got blamed for it, it was worth it.

The second tale of  food fun comes from my best friend. I was living there at the time and we decided to pick up Burger King for dinner. While we were eating her boyfriend turned on World of Warcraft and was flipping through some character models. At the time we had been screwing around with horde characters. My best friend’s significant other decided to play with the alliance character maker out of boredom. When she looked up and saw the alliance character she stuffed a Whopper into her mouth, tore it in half and screamed “YOU DISGUST ME” through the sandwich which sprayed lettuce at maximum velocity. I spit my drink down my shirt.

This last tale of food faux pas was actually caused by the “you disgust me” burger event. I was sitting with my brother in a McDonalds having lunch. He happened to bring up the fact that a friend of his had said something so funny he had spit his soda straight up into the air causing it to rain back down on himself. This reminded me of the Whopper incident that had caused me to spray myself with my drink. Unfortunately for him he had been drinking coffee while I regaled him with the flying lettuce story. He had just taken a big gulp of coffee when I screamed YOU DISGUST ME! He instantly inhaled the mouthful of coffee causing him to cough violently. He had coughed so hard he had suddenly thrown up right next to our table. Before I could even put together what had just happened he had looked around, grabbed his chicken nuggets and run out the door. It took me a couple seconds to realize that everyone had seen the show. I grabbed my drink and quickly followed suit.