Archive for January, 2013


Here are three tales of projectile foods that will forever be burned into my memory.

First up is a story about three friends of mine who I had been talking to on Skype. They all live together and share an office. Two of the three people decided to run upstairs and grab a snack. The third person stuck around eating crackers at his desk and crunching them in my ear. While they were gone the remaining individual said that he was bored and wanted an idea for something entertaining to do. As a joke I suggested he stuffed as many crackers as he could fit into his mouth and wait for the others to return. I told him to wait until they sat down then to run up behind them and scream HIPPOPOTAMUS with the crackers in his mouth. Not two minutes later they returned and sat down. All of the sudden I hear HIPPOPOTAMUS through one of their mics followed by screams of crackery horror. Needless to say I got blamed for it, it was worth it.

The second tale of  food fun comes from my best friend. I was living there at the time and we decided to pick up Burger King for dinner. While we were eating her boyfriend turned on World of Warcraft and was flipping through some character models. At the time we had been screwing around with horde characters. My best friend’s significant other decided to play with the alliance character maker out of boredom. When she looked up and saw the alliance character she stuffed a Whopper into her mouth, tore it in half and screamed “YOU DISGUST ME” through the sandwich which sprayed lettuce at maximum velocity. I spit my drink down my shirt.

This last tale of food faux pas was actually caused by the “you disgust me” burger event. I was sitting with my brother in a McDonalds having lunch. He happened to bring up the fact that a friend of his had said something so funny he had spit his soda straight up into the air causing it to rain back down on himself. This reminded me of the Whopper incident that had caused me to spray myself with my drink. Unfortunately for him he had been drinking coffee while I regaled him with the flying lettuce story. He had just taken a big gulp of coffee when I screamed YOU DISGUST ME! He instantly inhaled the mouthful of coffee causing him to cough violently. He had coughed so hard he had suddenly thrown up right next to our table. Before I could even put together what had just happened he had looked around, grabbed his chicken nuggets and run out the door. It took me a couple seconds to realize that everyone had seen the show. I grabbed my drink and quickly followed suit.

Advertisements

Today I am re dyeing my hair. You too can have this look in just two hundred easy steps!

What you will need:

Profanity

Bleach

Black Dye

Pink Dye

Petroleum Jelly

3 Pairs of Latex Gloves

3 Towels

A Shower

Plastic Wrap

Face Wipes

2 Mirrors

2 Rubber Bands

A Comb

Copious Amounts of Time

No Witnesses

Unfortunately for me, whoever bought the gloves last happened to buy them two sizes too small and bright purple. My fingers are way too long for these gloves. I feel like John Wayne Gacy crossed with a pediatrician. These would not be gloves I would ever wear again.

These are just bad.

These are just bad.

This whole hair clusterfuck took me four hours. That is a long time to wear gloves that are way too small, especially if someone happens to see it. Which of course they did. Damn these gloves.

Even though the result was what I had hoped for, It was not without cost. By the end I was soaked. There was a pink dot on my face that wouldn’t come off. Two of my towels were now new colors as was my shower curtain, one of my shirts, my arm, two sponges, a washcloth, and half a roll of paper towel.  It took ten minutes just to get the petroleum jelly out of my ears which is apparently an activity that makes people watch you like you were eating boiled dog.

Doing what I do best. Bothering people in the middle of the night.
Her: Ha ha… Are you my mummy? Cue gas mask orphans.
Me: When David Tennant said that randomly in season 4 I died laughing. 2:16 am
Her: Did you watch the episode where David Tennant puts the mask on an asks it? 2:16 am
Her: Oh whoa, lady. You are soooome kinda freaky.
Me: You know it. ;o)
Her: What about that the one with Alonso? 2:18 am
ME: Allons-y Alonso! 2:18 am
Her: STOP THAT!
Her: Seriously, it is 2 am you psychic bitch.
Me: Snicker.  It is what I do after all.
Her: I’m in bed. Straight back against the wall with my blanket over my head. It’s the only way I can seem to breathe. Lumos Maxima! Turns on phone flashlight
Me: I have one of those! I blind myself with it regularly. Usually like where the fuck are my glassAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Her: Ha ha, yep. I am constantly like, where are my…. CORNEAS!
At least some people get me. Ha ha.
Me: Edward Cullen is one ugly dude.
Him: Doesn’t seem to be the general consensus, unfortunately.
Me: Yeah if you are 12.  Though if you want to captivate the young-ins wear a rugby shirt and ask them if they see any clues.
Him: Well they have been my target audience…
Me: Then I feel sorry that you got stuck with me that day.
Him: Will you dress as a 12 year old for me?
Me: I wouldn’t fit in a twelve year old get up. If I did maybe I would consider it.
Him: Fit into what; the peeled off flesh suit of a 12 year old girl?
Me: Yes, I went to Buffalo Bill’s Emporium and they don’t come in my size.
Bam, end of conversation. This is why I don’t talk to people. This is why I can’t have nice things.
snowed in again.

Snowed in again.

I have a high tendency to get up and leave where I live and sporadically move. It is probably due to the fact that I never really have a lot in one area aside from a person or two to keep me where i’m at. If whatever reason or person it was that initially swayed me to live somewhere fails me I just grab my shit and go. I have moved 900 miles with half a days notice. I have moved out of state 6 times in the last 8 years with just whatever fit in my car. Half of the time I have no exact destination other than a direction or an area near a group of people I know. I usually stay in a location for maybe three or four years before I get the itch to migrate someplace else. I would love to find a permanent state or area to live in but to do that I would probably need to win the lottery. I moved here to New Hampshire from Pennsylvania in 2010. I was born here so it was a good spot to stop and think about things for a while. Now it is 2013 and the only thing keeping me here is my best friend, the fact I can’t afford to move yet, and the lack of a specific destination. I would love a partner in crime who understood the bizarre way my mind works to come with me or to be someplace I want to be. Unfortunately it is a rare breed indeed, at least around here it is. I do not fit in very well here. I have offers of dates and such from people around here once in a while but I  can safely say they wouldn’t understand me. It might be nice to meet someone but not here because I am secretly afraid of getting anchored to this snowdrift.

I have all kinds of clusters of friends in all kinds of places all over the world. I have a hard time deciding where to go due the wide range of places my family and friends live. I do not have one solid group of family or friends in any one location so choosing one is pretty much a lose lose situation. The other issue is that the places with the most concentrated groups of people I care about, are all places I really don’t want to be. They all live in frozen hell holes, I am living in one now and I hate it. Anywhere that seems climate pleasing to me is of course as far away from everyone as I could get. So do I chose a few friends and  family in some icy hell or do I go someplace warmer and go totally alone. I know that I don’t want to be here but I also know that if I left I would have to leave the people that mean the most behind.

New Hampshire, Live Freeze and Die.

New Hampshire, Live
Freeze and Die.